Before I leave

So today is my last day in DC as I will be heading to the Code 10 Man Down capitol that is home to me, tomorrow. Although I will only be gone for a little over 2 weeks this trip only happens once a year now and just as in the past years, I am uber excited.This time...(sigh) I feel like Im taking a relaxing vacation to Aspen or Martha's Vineyard or something. I guess most people always feel like that when they live miles and miles away from the place they call home. My city isnt glitzy or glamorous. Its not modern or too fast paced. Its not anything anyone could even begin to appreciate unless they are natives or are individuals who are openminded, relaxed, appreciative of diversity, beautiful terrane and bodies of water and mom and pop restaurants that are inexpensive and special to highlight just a few things. A place where you can walk down the street and see gangsta ass Jerome and geeky ass Zack listening to local rap and smoking a blunt together. You may also see white people with dread locks with fists in the air banned together with a plethora of other races marching for civil rights or any other issue they see as unjust. Ahhhh. That is what I miss at times. This is a place where you are accepted no matter what. The bullet points on your resume dont matter. The Tiffany necklace, the Louis Vuitton bag and the Seven jeans dont either.

Beyond any of that though, this is my time to reconnect with my childhood best friends, check on my single mother who is struggling through this f*cked up economy and my alcoholic father who has as of late been trying to mend our relationship the best way he knows how. (sigh) This trip unlike every other trip I will make a concerted effort to do more than just laugh and shake my head at my father who has never seemed to get it together. I have over the last few years masked my anger and disappoinment with laughter. Its all I could do. Perhaps we will both make more of an effort to connect this time. Now my mother on the other hand...getting along with her will be a feat. We are almost the same person. She is a bossy, controlling, tell it like it is, know it all and SO AM I. Whew. I dont like to be questioned or analyzed. I know thats what mothers do but im not that kinda girl. Im a fly by the seat of your pants kinda girl. So everyone pray that maybe just maybe I will be able to keep my sass to a minimum. Maybe I'll have the audacity to clue her in that Im not a virgin anymore. I mean, I HAVE in fact officially been an adult for 7 years now. She HAS to know that Ive been gettin it in 3,000 miles away right? lol

Its time for me to clear my head and think about this years experiences and what I want to change for the next. Im definitely cognizant of the things I want to change and have been slowly working toward them. My pre New Years resolutions! Yessss. I feel like Angela Basset in Waiting to Exhale (minus the man.lol) who chopped her hair off and had this sudden release. I want that liberation she felt and I am going to get it damnit!

This year I will change my outlook on life. I will learn more about myself and about life. I will accept the things that I cannot control and change the things that leave me unsatisfied. My outlook on men will be something that I will work on fixing as well. Suddenly I realize that my heart has been locked up, secured and taped off with caution tape all because of my fear of heartbreak. Most of it having to do with my faineant relationship with my father. (Surprise, surprise) Ive created a laundry list of expectations all because of the fear of dating a man like my father. Worthless. Ok, thats harsh and Im trying to let go of the resentment and this strong sense of independence I have when dealing with men. How funny is it that it was once something that was praised and welcomed but now men seem as though we're taking their manhood away from them by not needing them. Guess you just have to find that happy medium huh?

While Im home I will work on getting my kitty some catnip...otherwise she might come out clawing in the new year. Hissssss. Ive got an archive of potential fellows I might be able to call upon during one of my wild drunken nights out on the town. Ive still got that one on deck who eagerly awaits my arrival. (Yawn) He has a girlfriend though and that is what poses a problem. Do I say fugg it let me get mine? Or do I stay the hell away from his ass while intoxicated? lol My heart is telling me no but my kitty hasnt purred in a while so it would be nice. Lets not mention the fact that Im still mad that I had a handsome man asleep in my bed a few days ago and NOTHING went down. (Oh yah, we're JUST friends though) Next time Im gonna pick the shit up and speak into it like a microphone. Check,Check, 1, 2!

As I go on this trip of self discovery, self evaluation and "recovery" I will come back fearless and ready to tackle the year ahead. I will pace myself and not feel rushed to "catch up" with everyone. I will live for me and find my own happiness.

To my five readers, I love ya. See ya soon.

~PepperRed