Tuesday, April 21, 2009

When things RECEDE...

What day is it? Guess it doesnt really matter because as of late every day is like the weekend. I sit on the couch daily for 6 hrs at least piddling on the internet and painstakingly trying to figure out wtf is next; trying to not watch the stupid morning shows, trying to figure out why Sonny Corinthos is still as hot as he was when I used to watch the "Stories" 10+ years ago and wondering why my dogs bark for 5 minutes after the mail man has already made his delivery. Cabin Fever aint even the diagnosis. Its MUCH more excruciating. I was laid off about 3 weeks ago...maybe a month ago...Ive lost track. I DONT miss the job...but I do miss having somewhere to bullshit for at least 4 hours a day while getting paid for it. You cant always control your destiny. Sometimes you've just gotta let the chips fall where they may and just keep it moving. You dont always have to see the light at the end of the tunnel to know that it will soon be shining brightly.

Another thing that's STILL receding is my love life. I still refuse to have meaningless sex but cant seem to find anyone that I'd want to date, make out with or even let bring my trash to the curb. No boo lovin or baking of cakes. Not a nada. Im feeling the need to bakes a batch of cupcakes and I think it will be sooner than later. JP's runnin like a wild stallion this summer. All kinds of Doxy being exuded. Watch out now!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Love it or hate it

On this 26th day of January I can honestly say that I’m still in a good place. My trip West was REALLY good for me. I was able to put a lot of things in perspective, revaluate a lot of things that were making me unhappy, and figure out what things I can do in the new year to make my life a little happier. It’s amazing how the smallest things have an effect on your happiness. From the music you listen to in the morning to the kind of conversations you hold with your friends day to day. (There are some things I just can’t let bog me down anymore.) These are just a few of the things I have changed that have almost been like a 50 lb Jan sport lifted off of my back. I’ve spoken to a few of my very close friends recently of the things I want to change and many of them have been very supportive and given me great feedback.

While I was home I was able to reconnect with old friends, make new friends, have it out with old friends and just do what I love to do most with friends…CHILL and enjoy their company. It was a refreshing experience and at times a rude awakening. I have changed a lot since I’ve been away. Some things that I thought have been apparent in me for years and some things that have reared its ugly head even more in the last year I’ve been away. (Sigh) In recent weeks I’ve been analyzing myself a lot. What is me and non-negotiable and what is so ugly that it needs to be stuffed inside a straight jacket and thrown into the Potomac River? Hmmmmm Everyone’s got an opinion. Many of which I listen to but don’t let totally influence me. One group of friends thinks my wit and sarcasm is venomous. Others find my sharp tongue to be hilarious. Some see my nonchalant and tell it like it is attitude as bitchy. Others just respect and embrace it. My softer side is now out shadowed on the East with a tougher, no nonsense way of being because that’s what I feel is necessary for survival here. While I was home though, that tough side was tucked away for the most part. It was time spent being affectionate and cuddling with my crew. And on occasion the East Coast Pepper Red did peek out and say hello. This is when problems arose. The feisty, loose lipped east coast Pepper red meets the West coast crew. (Hello!) Some friends put me in check when necessary and others just soaked it in and got to know this new person I’ve grown into. (And for some who didnt like it... I had to turn the mirror around and tell them to take a peek.) Two weeks later I went back East bringing Rainbows, Sunshine and Unicorns. The East side crew meets the: I want to love on you West Coast Pepper red. Now it’s India Arie in the morning to give me the Strength, Courage and Wisdom and sometimes a little Stevie Wonder to give me that push and that smile to start the day. I’ve learned a lot over the last several weeks. It’s a battle of venom v. unicorns. I am looking for that Unicorn that spits venom happy medium. Or maybe I’ll just do away with the venom altogether and just ram you on occasion. Haha Stay tuned!
Pepper Red

Friday, December 19, 2008

Guess who's bizack?!

After a grueling 8+ hours in transit. I have finally reached my destination and have come 3,000 miles across the US to a place that has now become my 2nd home. My heart will always remain here though. All I can think of is getting off of this fucking plane. I'm starving. My skin is all oily so now bangs feel like they're glued to my face and all I wanna do is get my shit and start my vacay. No sooner than me taking my bag from the overhead bin and walking off the plane my phone rings. Like clock work the first call I get comes from my boy with a girl. (We'll call him Midnite) We have small talk but my a.d.d. has kicked in and I'm straining to hear him over the loud ass bitch on the intercom. Fucking him is the last thing on my mind right now and he knows that I never make time to see him my first night back home anyway. I guess he's putting in the ground work for the days ahead. Little does he know I'm exploring other options. Options that I'd totally forgotten about.(Silly me) We'll see how that pans out.

As we travel across the bridge I look at a skyline that I have a new found appreciation for. Skyrises, lights, and houses in the hills. No more DC/MD/VA license plates...nope. Those are now replaced by a sea of just one kind. The ones with the pretty red cursive.

One of my best girlfriends picks me up. We are like two peas in a pod. Back to catching up and planning out the weekend. I list off all the places I must go before I leave. She laughs and says her and the crew have already had this discussion. "Welp, pepper red is comin. We eat what she wants to eat. We do what she wants to do. We're on her time now." Ha! This is why I love my friends. They are one of the reasons I am the brat that I am today.

First stop after getting off the bridge...find me a Taco Truck! We go to the heart of Mexicanville. I order a steak burrito and a Sunkist to wash it down. Yummmm.

Now to the house I grew up in. Mom greets me at the door. Walk to my room and its just as I'd left it. White dresser and Bookcase. Growing more and more empty each time I come home. My bed with the same pretty green comforter and the cream colored throw on the edge. A closet I don't bother to look inside b/c it contains all the shit I packed up from my "teen' room 6 years ago before my departure East. Now I have an "adult" room. Less is more I suppose.

Today is a new day and more importantly...FRIDAY. I'm up at 6am because my body thinks its 9am. And by midnight tonight I'll be yawning uncontrollably and my friends will look at me like I'm crazy.

Time to run the streets ALL DAY LONG!

P.S. First call of the day comes in at 6am. Who could it be??? Mr.Midnite calling to shoot the shit. Smh Apparently this Kitty has Kryptonite inside!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Before I leave

So today is my last day in DC as I will be heading to the Code 10 Man Down capitol that is home to me, tomorrow. Although I will only be gone for a little over 2 weeks this trip only happens once a year now and just as in the past years, I am uber excited.This time...(sigh) I feel like Im taking a relaxing vacation to Aspen or Martha's Vineyard or something. I guess most people always feel like that when they live miles and miles away from the place they call home. My city isnt glitzy or glamorous. Its not modern or too fast paced. Its not anything anyone could even begin to appreciate unless they are natives or are individuals who are openminded, relaxed, appreciative of diversity, beautiful terrane and bodies of water and mom and pop restaurants that are inexpensive and special to highlight just a few things. A place where you can walk down the street and see gangsta ass Jerome and geeky ass Zack listening to local rap and smoking a blunt together. You may also see white people with dread locks with fists in the air banned together with a plethora of other races marching for civil rights or any other issue they see as unjust. Ahhhh. That is what I miss at times. This is a place where you are accepted no matter what. The bullet points on your resume dont matter. The Tiffany necklace, the Louis Vuitton bag and the Seven jeans dont either.

Beyond any of that though, this is my time to reconnect with my childhood best friends, check on my single mother who is struggling through this f*cked up economy and my alcoholic father who has as of late been trying to mend our relationship the best way he knows how. (sigh) This trip unlike every other trip I will make a concerted effort to do more than just laugh and shake my head at my father who has never seemed to get it together. I have over the last few years masked my anger and disappoinment with laughter. Its all I could do. Perhaps we will both make more of an effort to connect this time. Now my mother on the other hand...getting along with her will be a feat. We are almost the same person. She is a bossy, controlling, tell it like it is, know it all and SO AM I. Whew. I dont like to be questioned or analyzed. I know thats what mothers do but im not that kinda girl. Im a fly by the seat of your pants kinda girl. So everyone pray that maybe just maybe I will be able to keep my sass to a minimum. Maybe I'll have the audacity to clue her in that Im not a virgin anymore. I mean, I HAVE in fact officially been an adult for 7 years now. She HAS to know that Ive been gettin it in 3,000 miles away right? lol

Its time for me to clear my head and think about this years experiences and what I want to change for the next. Im definitely cognizant of the things I want to change and have been slowly working toward them. My pre New Years resolutions! Yessss. I feel like Angela Basset in Waiting to Exhale (minus the man.lol) who chopped her hair off and had this sudden release. I want that liberation she felt and I am going to get it damnit!

This year I will change my outlook on life. I will learn more about myself and about life. I will accept the things that I cannot control and change the things that leave me unsatisfied. My outlook on men will be something that I will work on fixing as well. Suddenly I realize that my heart has been locked up, secured and taped off with caution tape all because of my fear of heartbreak. Most of it having to do with my faineant relationship with my father. (Surprise, surprise) Ive created a laundry list of expectations all because of the fear of dating a man like my father. Worthless. Ok, thats harsh and Im trying to let go of the resentment and this strong sense of independence I have when dealing with men. How funny is it that it was once something that was praised and welcomed but now men seem as though we're taking their manhood away from them by not needing them. Guess you just have to find that happy medium huh?

While Im home I will work on getting my kitty some catnip...otherwise she might come out clawing in the new year. Hissssss. Ive got an archive of potential fellows I might be able to call upon during one of my wild drunken nights out on the town. Ive still got that one on deck who eagerly awaits my arrival. (Yawn) He has a girlfriend though and that is what poses a problem. Do I say fugg it let me get mine? Or do I stay the hell away from his ass while intoxicated? lol My heart is telling me no but my kitty hasnt purred in a while so it would be nice. Lets not mention the fact that Im still mad that I had a handsome man asleep in my bed a few days ago and NOTHING went down. (Oh yah, we're JUST friends though) Next time Im gonna pick the shit up and speak into it like a microphone. Check,Check, 1, 2!

As I go on this trip of self discovery, self evaluation and "recovery" I will come back fearless and ready to tackle the year ahead. I will pace myself and not feel rushed to "catch up" with everyone. I will live for me and find my own happiness.

To my five readers, I love ya. See ya soon.


Friday, December 12, 2008

Knock it off...

As I sit here with the rain beating against my window I've finally decided to put my fingers to the keyboard of my blackberry and describe what's been going on in my head over the last few weeks.

I've been struggling with this inconsistent battle to be happy. I've been in this on again, off again,I'm going to make lemon drops (with sugar around the rim) out of this big bucket of lemons I seem to be carrying around funk. This melancholy mood does not suit me well as this is not usually my personality. (Sigh) I’ve been trying to put my finger on it but cant seem to nail the issue. Maybe its this recession. It’s like the Great Depression in this piece. Sheesh. There were a bunch of layoffs at my company a few weeks ago and I was definitely on the list to go. I am safe…for now...Thank you God for making a miracle!

Maybe I’m homesick. There is no place like home. Home is a place where I can truly be me…and as bad as it sounds I DON’T have to compete.

Or maybe it’s the fact that I haven't been dicked down since Tim. (There was nothin Tiny about him! Sigh) All I have are the memories of a man who lives somewhere in...I don't even remember. Ha! Nonetheless my train ride with Tim went down a whole season ago. Ahhhh. I miss the days when a quick roll in the hay on a late drunken night would quench my sexual thirst. Now it just leaves me parched and unfulfilled. I’ve got a man on deck who wants to give me the bizness like Young Berg when I go home next week but my conscience is telling me HELL NO! But when will I get my release?! This is sad. I’ve been accepting Winter boo applications since the summer and still…NOTHING! This can’t be life! I’m usually NEVER this damn dramatic about getting laid but…I seem to be surrounded by friends who are either booed up or the ones who aren’t are MAN CRAZY! Drives me nuts!!! I must address this. I didn’t used to be like this! I used to be happy and never pressed. Now I’ve got raging hormones and man crazy friends who are making my lack of companionship more obvious. What happened to the single, happy me?! I MUST find her in the New Year.

These days the only thing that makes me happy is going to the gym. It’s such a stress reliever...but then what? I have a monotonous job that's kinnnnnnd of providing me with the experience I want buuuuut not quite. Then there's my home life. That's cool but even that can be a pain in the ass when you've got 3 diff personalities to deal with. One in particular that consistently makes me wanna split her wig. Yeesh.

Then there's the bar/club/lounge scene that gets more annoying, unimpressive and bland by the week. (That there is a sign that I'm getting old.)

It’s funny because I find that at the end of every year people unsatisfied with the current year optimistically hope for a better year to come. That optimism definitely resides in me! 2009 will be my year! Lol
For all those friend (my bff /roomie in particular) who have been putting up with my gloominess and been trying to pep me up over the last few weeks...THANK YOU. Im trying to snap out of this shit. :)

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


I think Ive been on a constant high since last Tuesday. It would be safe to say that everyone has. Victory has been won! All of the non-believers, pessimists and conspiracy theorists have all witnessed change. Anyone who thought that the American Dream was unattainable has now begun to think again. This reminds me of a moment that took place in high school. I remember it vividly. I remember sitting in my favorite class...English. It was 9th grade and Mr. Rapson asked me as we as a class discussed one of books we were currently reading...(Manchild in the Promised Land, I think it was). I can remember him looking at me and asking if I believed in the American Dream. That was back in my AngelaDavisIwannabearevolutionary days, so although I had been taught The American Dream was attaintable I still remained doubtful. I was a cynic and a conspiracy theorist who thought that black people would only get their piece of the pie if they were lucky. I wanted to believe in it but if that were the case why was there such a disparity between blacks and whites? Why did my mother struggle to take care of me? Why didnt my family have a place where we "summered"?
Over the years I became more hopeful. After last Tuesday I have become CERTAIN. This was a wake up call for African Americans who were as uncertain as I that ANYTHING is possible. This years election had people thirsting for CHANGE. We got it. I am proud of my people and want everyone to see that this is not the end of the road. White america has changed more than we thought and there is still a long way to go. People were at the polls voting this year that had never thought twice about voting. We had thugs voting! Rappers pushing their fans! There were people raising money and donating their time. Actors, Rappers, Singers and comedians banned together to enocourage America to wake up.

Like a fresh pot of coffee, America has seeminly gotten a whiff and woken up and I hope that we continue to stay awake, continue fighting and keep yearning for our piece of the pie because if you want it bad enough there is NOTHING that can stop you from getting it. NOTHING!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Homemade Happy Hour at the Hostel...take 2

So as usual, the hostel craves attention even when we don't think we do. The bff and I couldn't figure out if we were gonna go to the open bar from 9-11 at our old stomping grounds or the Bacardi open bar at the club in DC that everyone knows and seemingly LOVEs. Whomp! Both places have seemed to become a magnet of the unsavory types. (We'll pass)

As usual we get the word out. Happy Hour. Hostel. 9:30pm. We didn't say BYOB but everyone pretty much knows that first come first serve will NOT serve YOU. (Besides, we're in a RECESSION!) This leads to everyone either bringing in a jug of Bella Sera or a modest yet quality bottle of Robert Mondavi or even something that doesn't necessarily coincide with the "theme" (i.e. a jug of Bacardi) but it definitely coincides with the mission! We all know what that is! Its all the same if you're in the mood for intoxication and just about any contribution is better than NO contribution. (Thanks guys!)

***My eyes are blurred. I AM STILL DRUNK. I started writing this entry before bed last night and even after 6 hours of sleep I am still drunk. Most readers will not be surprised as I am notorious for this routine. ***

Back to last night....
This Happy Hour was a blast. 15 guests in the hostel all of which strolled in and OUT at various times. Everyone walked in with a bottle of wine. We didnt ask them to but its kind of unspoken. The Hostel provide you with a variety of witty, skilled shit talking, well rounded individuals who if nothing else will get drunk with you and provide you with entertainment.We might not be able to provide you with food (or HEAT) but nonetheless you will walk out with a smile and for us thats ALL we care about. Apparently since we have 2 mutts its an unspoken invitation for our friends to bring over their own little beasts.(smile) This pup was new to the Hostel so he didnt know that their was a no jumping on the couch rule and a no pissing like a racehorse on our hardwood floors like you've lost your got damn mind rule. Eh. Luckily he was cute (and a rookie) so he didnt get the smashed nose into the floor treatment.

The night started off on the mellow side with us finishing up Greys...it ended with loud music, shit talking, clove smoking, all the girls dancing gleefully to Beyonce's Put a Ring on it (did i predict that shit or what?!). There was an argumentative yet amusing round of Taboo (followed by some shit called Spoons) played... and ending with 3 cops cars shining their lights on our house in our quaint little neighborhood, pretty much saying "Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out". Hmmmm.Its 2 am on a Thursday... Were we that loud? Must've been the neighbors that ratted. Maybe its the 2 Obama signs we now have in our yard. (Obama 08! )

I had not one boo to call. What has my life become? sigh. I have not one single guy that Im interested in. I tryed calling my fave stud with intentions to get my Girl 6 on. No luck. He was up to something and by the time he wanted to "chat" I had passed out. Oh well. His bad.

I am on my 3rd cup of coffee... gotta recoop for the weekend ahead! Everyone have a safe and fun Halloween! I know I will!