One thing you must know about me is that I'm very over protective and boldy self-righteous. I have a male best friend that I have known since 5th grade. I confide in him about things I don't tell some of my best girlfriends. Now there are a lot of different theorys on whether men and women can be just friends and I am here to testify that it can be done. He and I have laid in the same bed together and not so much as grazed asses.I have laughed in the faces of his girlfriends (and current) girlfriend who dare to go up against me. Most of them have these pre conceived notions and decide to dislike me before even meeting me. Sigh.(I request that they calm their insecure asses down this is not Brown Sugar.) So in all the years of us knowing eachother if something was going to happen I think it would have by now. Dont you? Here comes the dilemma... His girlfriends ALWAYS look at me like I just stole the cock right out of their hands! Currently my best friends girlfriend has a bit (read: BIG) of a problem with me...
They have been dating for 2 years now I think and she and I have never gotten the chance to meet. Yet because of a brief run in over the telephone when they first began dating she has since had a few ruffled feathers that I had no knowledge of. She recently decided to send me a message over Facebook. (Im trying to avoid the ruffling of any more feathers so these "characters" will remain nameless) Here goes...
Hi BEST FRIEND,
I asked "Jason" if it would be okay to send you a message and of course he shrugged his shoulders. Anyway, I wanted to clear the air between the two of us. While you probably don't have any issues with me (at least that is what Jason said) I want you to know that I don't have any issues with you. It was unclear when he went to DC my feelings about the situation and I know he could have expressed somethings that may have not been true. The issue that I did have with you was from so long ago and I have dropped it. I just thought that I would let everything go because I don't want there to be any "hard" feelings when we eventually meet each other.I hope you have a great weekend!Girlfriend My response...
Sidenote: "It was unclear when he went to DC my feelings about the situation and I know he could have expressed somethings that may have not been true" She basically forbade him from staying at my place while he came to visit and he agreed to stay in a hotel to shut her up. Instead he stayed and my place and slept on the couch.
Girlfriend,
Wow. Definitely didn't expect a message from you in MY inbox but I respect it...Hmmmm.Well I was never aware that there was any reason to have ill will. (Not from my end at least) I do remember that conversation from a looooong time ago where I was on speaker phone answering some "hypothetical" question which I apparently answered incorrectly in your eyes. (This is my assumption) But to be honest I didn't even know the depth of your relationship so at that point you were just another girl in my eyes.My apologies for any brutal words that were said in that conversation but as I'm sure you probably now know, that's just me. To be honest I never thought twice about that conversation until now. Its all water under the bridge...Regarding his trip to DC I'm still out of the loop as to why it was such an issue.I don't know if your insecurity lyed with him coming and staying with me or if it dealt with something else but "Jason" and I are the best of friends. NOTHING more! Trust.(Me dancing in the club with him made me vomit in my mouth a little.lol) So you have nothing to worry about. One thing I know for sure is that he really cares for you.I hope that this settles your uneasyness b/c it looks like we're going to be a part of eachothers lives in some capacity so we might as well be friends :)
Ciao!
~best friend
Best friend,
I do want to clarify why I was upset about the DC trip. Whether friends or not I feel that it is completely unnacceptable for my boyfriend to go stay with any girl. While I know that you and him are just friends and it is nothing personal against you....it is not appropriate period. I think you would feel the same way if your boyfriend would go stay with another girl. Jason and I have already come to that agreement as he knows if the situation was reverse he would throw a fit.I just wanted to clarify that. All in all we have moved passed it...and like u said its water under the bridge.
~girlfriend
Ummmmm.That last message from her was not even worthy of my response.
Ok.So I've known my best friend for 15+ years and you're telling me that just because you are insecure you have the right to put up barriers?! Please.One thing you must realize 1. I was here first and am not going anywhere 2. Your insecurity is NOT my problem.I am NOT your competition 3. Please do not go up against me b/c I will hurt your feelings and make you cry. 4.I am the least of your worries, but if u want me to point out something for you to worry about I'll be happy to.
So I think I have proven my argument. What do you guys think?
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Best Friend v Girlfriend
Posted by JP Red at 8:54 AM
Labels: best girlfriend
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12 comments:
As a dude, I think you wrong for this one. As a bestfriend to the bol, I dont think you have the right to kind of reign in over his relationship like that. And I think your reply was kinda rude. I still like the post though.
JP if the shoe was on the other foot you would think differently.
In "Brown Sugar" they new each other since 10 and didn't get together till their 30's....
And it seems the girlfriend isn't the only one who is showing their insecurities...
And the boyfriend is just foolish for letting this happen.
@VOR
I understand why his girl is nervous/apprehensive about her boyfriend having a female best friend. Yet and still I feel that as a girlfriend you need to decide whether or not you want your boyfriend to lie to you or keep it real with you.As you can see you cant put a leash around a man because it clearly wont work. A man is going to do what he wants to do regardless of what you say...and the more insecure you act the more reason he will find to cheat. I am not taking him away from her, in fact I only see him once a year when I go home and I only speak to him over the phone once or twice a month...so had I been some girl who was trying to purposely take the attention from her I could understand her dismay but this is not the case. I just feel as though he shouldnt have to tip toe around to maintain a friendship and I shouldnt either all because her ass has her panties in a bunch. Get over it.
While I do not condone kissing ass or being fake with anyone, I don't understand why the girlfriend isn't trying to be on the BFF's good side instead of being a snatch?! If I was worried about my BF's relationship with his BFF then I would be trying to meet her ASAP. She might be turning into my BFF! LOL I have a little more insight as to what the run in was so in my opinion the GF feels like the BFF saw her true colors early in the game and has already formed an opinion of her. What she fails to realize is that NO ONE even cares what she is going through... not even her BF who told her he was staying in a hotel and still stayed with his BFF. She eeds to get it together if she's been with him for 2 yrs and is worried about his friend that she has had for 15 years that sounds kind of personal. I know the BFFs and there is NOTHING going on between them AT ALL!!!
Bottom line, she is insecure. That's NOT ur problem! Her best bet and my advice to her would be to get over it. You were here before her and u will b here after here.
And for ur bestfriend, he should make it very clear to her, that u r not going anywhere so she should just as soon get used to it. My boyfriend's bestfriend is a girl and I would have no problem with him staying at her house if he went to visit. (It doesnt help that she is NOT attractive...lol)Anywho, the bottom line is...boys and bitches are a dime a dozen but TRUE bestfriends are forever!
I do understand that she would not be comfortable with him staying at your place. If she eventually found out that he stayed with you instead of sleeping in a hotel I think her issue should be more with her boyfriend than you. I mean if you all are just friends then why lie about where you will laying your head at night. The fact that she is still with him after all that speaks to her insecurity. It seems like now she has gotten over it, but he needs to be the one held accountable when situations like that arise...not you
Wow...it's nice to know that I am not the only one who has dealt with such foolishness on the part of a young woman who has issues deeply rooted in insecurity. I believe you proved your arguement...but don't be surprised when her "residual" issues show face. My best friend of 12 yrs dated a young lady who felt it was her place to tell him that he must stop having ANY dealings with me (BIG mistake...she looked like a fool). As long as you are respecting their relationship, she needs to respect the friendship that you two share (and have shared for a while).
HONESTLY, if it were ME, I would not be comfortable with my boyfriend going to another woman's home and sleeping there for a few nights. Period (and I consider myself pretty secure... perhaps borderline conceited). I believe that platonic friendships can exist but seriously I don't have ONE guy friend that I don't think would sleep with if I wanted to, girlfriend or not, no matter how long I've known them. That's just reality. That girl doesn't know you at all so she really has no reason to trust you and your intentions. I can see why she doesn't halfway trust her man, he blatantly lied to her. It just makes him and the situation seem shady even if there is nothing going on. You also don't know what other issues they may have had in their relationships to make her have some trust issues. You have to respect their relationship the same way you expect her to respect yours.
I just think that instead of calling the girlfriend insecure and dismissing her feelings, put yourself in her shoes and see how you would feel. If you would have no problem with a boyfriend sleeping over at the home of one of his "female friends" who you never met (and if you said it did bother you, he completely disregards your feelings and does it anyhow) how would you feel? Maybe you wouldn't think twice about it... but I am a strong believer that sometimes being "secure" in your relationship can really just be turning a blind eye or acting like a naive fool, it's an extremely thin line.
He needs to realize that when you are in a relationship that you take seriously, you make sacrifices for the other person and you can't do everything you did when you were single. In this case, he needed to just pony up the money for a hotel... Maybe she is mad because this shows the lack of sacrifice he is willing to make for her. I'm sure he might be a little upset if she pulled the same stunt... just my opinion!
@ Bella
I am one of the most jealous people ever, yet and still I also realize that a man is going to do whatever he likes. Temper tantrum or not I feel as though if a man wants to do dirt he is going to. Your "rules" aren't halting a damn thing.In fact he wasn't worried about me but about what one of my homegirls was doing that he's had a crush on for a long time now. I think the focus needs to be taken off of me and moved toward whatever flaws that are already in their relationship.One thing that all women must realize is that a man married or single is not going to be pushed or persuaded into doing anything he does not want to do.And if you think that you are living in a dream world. Wake up. No he should not have lied to her...BUT had she not pressured (bullied) him he might have done what she wanted on his own.Just a thought.
I agree with you. Men (and women) do what they want to do. You can't bully anyone into doing anything. You SHOULD NOT HAVE TO throw temper tantrums. When you love someone you respect their opinions and compromise. You also TRUST that they have your best interest and the interest of your relationship in mind... it seems that trust doesn't (and probably shouldn't) exist here.
It sounds like he already had wandering eyes and I think that his blatant disrespect for her feelings were just a manifestation of that. Would he care if she did the same thing?
You must have standards for what you will and will not put up with and perhaps hers are too low if she KNOWS that he lies to her and ignores the way she feels... it's one thing to not know or not have an idea, it's another thing to be fully aware of the fact. It is certainly more their issue than an issue between jp and her friend.
Bella - Agreeing with everything you wrote 100% so dnt have anything else to add!
She needs to loosen up. I agree with you, but I would have always kept my distance from her.
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